I have been trying to force myself to get something out before the end of the month, as I have set myself a goal of at least one post per month this year. I've been super busy building stuff for work, and now that I'm back down to a 40 hr/wk schedule I have struggled to get anything out because I've been kinda down. Even this afternoon I was planning on writing a post about how alone I feel in the world. You see, I am an unusual kind of guy. I am extremely anti-partisan politically, yet feel strongly about politics, so I don't fit in with Republicans or Democrats. I don't watch very much tv because I can't stand commercials. I have better things to do than watch sports, even though I do enjoy watching them. I listen to NPR instead of pop, country, hip-hop, or whatever. I like to read, but I don't read the fad books (exception: ASOIAF). I got married and had a kid long before any of my friends, and now that they're catching up I'm getting divorced. I'm a combat veteran, which makes people assume I have PTSD. These traits, and others (especially the fact that I'm a bit anti-social by nature) have caused me to be a social outcast, despite the fact that I think most people would describe me as a decent, friendly, intelligent dude. This has been fine because I am perfectly happy alone. The emotional fatigue has set in recently because of the requisite social interactions of having a job and from being treated like absolute dogshit by a woman to whom I thought I was a pretty good husband. I used to have a very healthy self esteem, but after discovering the infidelity in my marriage I became much more self-conscious about my ability to attract women physically. Then, after being repeatedly marginalized and ignored at my job, despite what I felt was my obvious value, meanwhile watching employees whom I viewed as less valuable receiving recognition and raises, I began to question my entire self perception. This led me to desire social feedback, in order to better understand the reality of my worth as a person. Unfortunately, that feedback is meaningless coming from people whom I don't respect and who don't share my values. So I have been wondering what a guy like me has to do to find someone who fits the bill. You know, an intelligent, honest, upstanding person who thinks that philosophy is more important than football, who wants to talk about reality tunnels and lucid dreaming instead of some dumb shit they saw on youtube, and who is willing and able to listen to somebody else while keeping a truly open mind. It seems hopeless. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure s/he is out there, many thousands of times over, but they are invisible, like me. I'm a big tattooed guy who works outside for a living, drives an old car, and doesn't own a suit. I seriously doubt that many people assume that I'm an intellectual at first glance.
Then something unexpected happened. Purely by chance I wound up in a used bookstore this afternoon. Dog Eared Pages Used Book Store. This isn't too unexpected for someone like me, but the proprietors of this particular shop were so unusually wonderful and friendly that after a single conversation with each of them I felt my hope in humanity partly restored. Plus, one of them is an author which just made my day. Then I checked out their website, and annaquesterly.com, and was further impressed with their operation and with Anna's blog. We share a few interests, it seems. Such a small thing it was, finding this place and these people, but it really put the wind back in my sails. Imagine how I would feel if someone actually read this and left a comment. ;)
